You don’t have to forget the memories in order to heal. That’s actually the opposite of healing! I can attest to this because I repressed many years of childhood abuse and that didn’t do one bit to relieve me of the effects of the abuse; it just meant that I didn’t understand why I felt so bad or why I didn’t know how to live my life in a healthy way.

Twelve-step programs, in addition to the twelve steps, have a list of “promises” that come true when we work the steps. One of them is that “we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” This could be its own entry here I guess and it probably should be, but for now I’ll say: I never used to believe that was possible, or even think it made any sense. How could I not regret the years of abuse or wish I could erase or forget them somehow?

For me, working the twelve steps in programs like Codependents Anonymous, Survivors of Incest Anonymous, COSA (which is for people who were affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior, like cheating and so on), Workaholics Anonymous, and lots of other ones, has been extremely, incredibly powerful in relieving me of the effects of abuse.

I’ve done therapy and I’ve done EFT and I’ve done lots of other things and working the steps is the one that’s visibly and directly healed me from these experiences. I am no longer afraid; I no longer compulsively shame and blame myself; I am in the first healthy relationship of my life, and happily married in it now; I am in the first non-underearning, steady day job I’ve ever had; I look at myself in the mirror and automatically think that I’m beautiful and wonderful instead of automatically finding fault with myself; and on and on.

I hope that helps somebody. I thought that I had set this thing up so that it would reply to comments and email the commenter to let them know there was a reply, but now it’s not doing it! Perhaps Deyanira, or someone else, will come see this and know that there is hope. More than hope: something that works.

Abuse comes in all forms and I want to help women who are going through this horrible ordeal.

Cindy

You don’t have to worry about leaving… start with baby steps! Get into therapy or (better yet) a twelve-step program like Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, COSA, et cetera. They have online and phone meetings but face-to-face is even better if you can find one in your area. Write back if you need help finding one!!

The worst part is that it’s so easy to minimize these things. We get with these people because we have low self-esteem and don’t believe that we deserve better – usually have never experienced better – we’re used to this kind of treatment! So it’s so easy to write it off first as “normal” and “but I love him” and then as “I deserve it.” And then it gets worse and worse.

Actually, the worst part is probably that your kids have to live with it – with seeing someone put their mother down over and over, and probably with being judged and criticized themselves all the time. It’s terrible to grow up with the sense that you have to earn your parent’s love and approval and that that may be impossible – as you probably know!

I strongly strongly recommend checking out Codependents Anonymous or a similar 12-step program… write back if you’d like more information or need help finding one!

Yes, gothic. I’m not going to claim I’m not emotional. However, I do keep most of it to myself. Clothing wise, I can see it. Think Amy Lee (Evanescence) meets Misa Amane (the anime series, Death Note) meets emo. I like it!

My family hates rap, thank god. My sister was into Eminem, but she left six years ago (there’s nine years in between us). As for getting your anger out, I found shouting Linkin Park lyrics worked nicely for me =p

It’s nice to know you’re not alone, even though it’s bad that people have to be put through any form of abuse. You seem strong and I think that you’ll be fine. Only three more years to go and then you can go to college! Keep up the hard work! ^-^

~Kathryne

about being a glothic… i was like that back in the day… i use to be a punkr/rocker… i loved my friends… i hated being strereo typed as “emo” but in a way, i was very emotional… i think im a rebel…. a least in my family… im the only “punker” in my whole family…. most of them are into rap.. but i dont really like it… its okay, but there is nothing like getting my anger out by blasting some Guns N Roses, or disterbed…. but yeah

i replied to your psot to let you know that your not alone… i have been hurt liike you, and every other person out there…

one of the reasons why i wriet on this blog is so that way i dont feel alone… life is hard when your parents put you threw abuse,… i like to think that no matter how hard it gets, i can make it threw… even in love….

I’ve always been an outcast (semi-gothic and gamer-geek girl are the more common stereotypes of me) so I’ve never been put in a position
of sex before. Quite honestly, I can’t really relate enough to add much input…sorry. But what I can say is that I think it’s natural to not be able to look at him.

I can understand crying though. I have a hard time crying for myself, but almost every night during those seven months with my ex I wished I could cry myself to sleep. If him and me went to the same school, I wouldn’t be able to look at him, for the simple fact of our history.

I can see ways that it is both your fault and your ex’s for what happened. If he’d been violent in the past towards you, I’m not going to tell you that you should have stood up for yourself. Not because you shouldn’t have, but because who knows what might’ve happened if you refused? Usually, guys are stronger than girls-it’s a fact-so he probably would’ve overpowered you if he wanted to go that far. I would say it’s his fault in that sense. However, from what I gathered from your reply, violence doesn’t seem like it was a major threat the first time and you should’ve slowed down and thought “We’re only fourteen!”, especially if you knew he had been violent with you before.

I, too, am a clingy person. I always have been, but I just plainly avoid acting like it, especially to whoever I’m clinging too. It was good I acted non-clingy because I think that if my ex had known, a lot more damage could’ve happened.

I can’t really think of a good way to wrap this up….so, yeah. Those are the few thoughts I have on your blog. Feel free to respond.

~Kathryne

he has had a violent past with me, so when he told me to take off my pants, out of my own fear that he will do it anyways i did…i loved him so much…

that was almost two years ago, and i still cant look at him at school, i cant stand that he stole my inicence… even though it was mainly my fault…. so… also remeber crying every day, at least twice on how much i wanted him back… it took to not talk to him at all to finly realize that he was a mistake… well let me know your input…
monica

It’s lonely, because I want to date, but I don’t trust anyone enough to date and I don’t trust myself, either. I’ll let my guard down in the end. I realize it was a year ago and if I’m that beat up over it still, I should get some help…posting these comments has made me aware that I need to talk to someone.

“Both partners usually have unresolved emotional issues, or there would be no relationship”

I was in an emotionally abuse relationship that ended almost a year ago. I did not have “emotional issues” before I started dating the guy. For me it was like this:

I really liked the guy and had known him and secretly liked him before we dated. He had just gotten out of a relationship, and I figured that was the reason for his unusual behavior. I was fourteen when we started dating. About a month into the relationship, I turned fifteen. I was too young to realize this wasn’t a result of a break up; this was his “true” personality. I should be too young, still.

I made the mistake of telling him something…the way my mind works is different than most peoples’. I’m a strong person, but it’s easy to really hurt me with how my mind behaves. And so, things went downhill after that.

He finally broke up with me so he could hurt me. This was our second breakup. The relationship had left me so beaten and torn up on the inside that when he told me he wanted to get back together, I refused, explaining that the relationship wasn’t working out. Then I made another mistake; I decided to stay friends with him, because even before he was abusing me, it was like the Evanescence song: “I need to be with you to live, to breathe, you’re taking over me.”

The abuse was worse when we weren’t dating…he told me about how he wanted his chick friend to forgive him “for….reasons”. It didn’t take much to realize he liked her-or was pretending to-and when I said “You like her, don’t you?” his response was “Only a little. It’s not really worth talking about. I like her about as much as I like you.” A pretty minor comment compared to some, but that’s one of the worst things for me to hear because of how my mind works. That was one of two comments that left me in a wreck for an entire week. The girl who never cried for herself was crying 2-3 times a day. I still remember what I ate the entire three days; a yogurt a day, just so I could take my medication. On the third day, I forced myself to start eating again, starting with a small piece of pizza.

When I next talked to him, I told him the friendship wasn’t working out and I needed some space. Naturally, he was all “Oh, I hurt you. I always push people away. This is why nobody likes me.” This is the upside to how my mind works; I’m not easy to break. Even when I felt so helpless and alone that it felt like there was no way to end this hell, I still knew I could make decissions. After all, it had been my decision to stay friends. No matter how stripped down I felt, I knew I had some control over the situation, even if it was only a little bit. After seven months of abuse, I was finally out.

I have to say that I was /lucky/ that someone close to me attempted suicide the summer before this went down. Because of it, I have very strong feelings against suicide and never considered it as an option to end the pain, even at my worst point in time.

That was eleven months ago. I am now sixteen years old. I dated one person and even while together, we still acted more like friends than a couple. I’ll admit I definitely have emotional issues. My self-esteem was never very high, but I wouldn’t say I had low self-esteem going into the relationship. Almost a year later, I don’t like myself much at all and my self-esteem has only improved a little since the relationship ended. I hide my low self-esteem by using my one talent I know I have; playing piano. People compliment me for it and it makes me feel like I’m a fully-functioning person.

I also have major trust issues. An open person by nature, I constantly stop myself from telling other people my feelings. My friends know what my ex put me through to an extent, but none of them know what it’s done to me and none of them know he was abusive. I recently realized; the guy never even liked me. That whole entire time, he was playing with my feelings because he knew I didn’t think I could make it without him there. I was nothing more to him. This has deepened my trust issues quite severely.

I am not writing this out to complain…I’m not writting this for attention. I’m writting this because it is helping me come to terms with those seven months and the impact they had on me. I’ll admit, there have been other things-smaller things-that have helped push me to this, but it is 90% the abuse I suffered. I also wanted to give warning to other people who are in a potentially abusive situation:
IT’S NOT WORTH IT. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU CAN. IT ONLY GETS HARDER.

(PS: Sorry this was such a long comment ^^;;)

feel free to email me privately if you want to talk about it. you might also enjoy this list I made of different “tricks” and tactics that emotional abusers use, which I think can make it easier to predict and deflect their attacks.