Kurt Cobain and Dave Grohl were both in Nirvana. Both musical legends. Wizards at writing lyrics, at performing, at playing instruments, at writing music. Gods venerated by young people for their scorching hotness (depending on your taste) and electrifying rebellion.

And one of them is still alive. And I think their lyrics say a lot about why….

KURT COBAIN

I read the most hilariously bad mini-bio of Kurt Cobain just now, on a guitar website. It summarized his childhood thus:

Cobain was a happy child, but was hyperactive. When he was 7, his parents divorced. He took it very hard and was extremely hard to live with, so his parents sent him to live with relatives.

I could use that story as a good example of how one effect of abuse is the severing of cause and effect. When people haven’t recognized the abuse they experienced and its effects on them, they tell stories like this one: He was happy. But he was hyper. Then his parents divorced. Then he was hard to live with. Then they sent him away. Then he became a rock star. Then he did drugs. Then he shot himself.

Just a string of more or less unconnected events. No need to question what effect any of those events had, or how they might have affected each other, or how they might have affected him. Connecting back to reality through recovery brings up a lot of questions, like: Why state that he was happy, and then list all these reasons he wasn’t? How much more abuse was perpetrated by the kind of parents who would decide an upset seven-year-old was too “hard to live with” and send him away? Was he really “hyperactive” at that early age, or was it yet another case of a young child seeming “hyper” because their anxiety from the dysfunction in their family is so intense? And finally, what kind of a dumbass says “Oh, he’s taken us splitting up so hard – now that he can’t get enough time with both of us, let’s divorce him too and send him away entirely”?

There were other intense and clear signs of past abuse in his life, like his bipolar disorder, fierce drug addiction, and the lyrics of many of his songs. His life and art resonated deeply with many young abuse survivors, who saw their feelings and experiences echoed in songs like Floyd the Barber:

Barney ties me to the chair. / I can’t see I’m really scared. / Floyd breathes hard I hear a zip. / Beat me, pressed against my lips. / I was shaved, / I’m ashamed, / I was shamed. / I sense others in the room. / Opie, Aunt Bea, I presume. / They take turns to cut me up. / I died smothered in Andy’s clutch….

Or Paper Cuts:

At my feeding time she pushes food through the door. / I crawl towards the cracks of light – sometimes I can’t find my way. / Newspapers spread around / Soaking all they can. / A cleaning is due again, a good hosing down. / The lady whom I feel maternal love for / Can not look me in the eyes, / But I see hers and they are blue / And they cock and twist and masturbate…. /
Black windows of paint I scratch with my nails. / I see others just like me, why do they not try to escape? / They bring out the older ones. They point at my way. / They come with a flash of light, and take my family away. / And very later I have learned to accept / Some friends of ridicule. / My whole existence is for your amusement, / And that is why I’m here with you….

The gravitational pull of the abuse was too much for Kurt. Hard drugs tend to accelerate the downward spiral of abuse’s effects, increasing shame and pain and dissociation, decreasing the connection with reality and the ability to experience hope and seek help. His songs were a beacon for others in the same stage of abuse: the stage of merely experiencing its pain and looking for someone else who can validate it, maybe without even being able to acknowledge that abuse has occurred (or is still occurring).

What seems remarkable, to me, is that one of his bandmates went on to create songs that could be seen as a joyous, rebellious response to abuse – a call to arms to fight for recovery.

DAVE GROHL

Based on his songs and his interviews, I’d say that Dave Grohl was both lucky to have a more supportive and saner family than Kurt Cobain did, and that he’s also worked on a lot of his own shit. I don’t know a lot about his life; I know that his parents divorced when he was young as well, that he had more joy in his childhood but that he also experienced some deprivation, et cetera… stories that probably any of us could identify with. Like Cobain, he demonstrates effects of abuse: a lifelong addiction to cigarettes, a fear of “feel[ing] too good,” the codependency of not wanting to “burden anybody.”

Where they parted ways was in their response to these things. Grohl stayed away from hard drugs (“I know that the day I get my face in a pile of cocaine is the day that it all goes straight fucking downhill”) and threw a lot of energy into therapy. And, I think, the kind of intensely joyous rebellious energy that he brings to his music is the kind that is unleashed by working on shit. By resolving some portion of the effects of trauma and abuse. By facing our demons, grabbing them and throttling them to the ground no matter what they claim the cost to us will be. Like in “Best of You”:

Everyone’s got their chains to break / Holdin’ you / Were you born to resist / Or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?”

Or “Monkey Wrench”, when he screams at the end, all in one breath:

One last thing before I quit / I never wanted any more than I could fit / into my head / I still remember every single word you said / and all the shit that somehow came along with it / Still there’s one thing that comforts me / Since I was always caged and now I’m FREE….

Or “I’ll Stick Around”:

How could it be / I’m the only one who sees / Your rehearsed insanity, yeah /
I still refused / All the methods you abused / It’s alright if you’re confused / Let me be / I’ve been around / All the pawns you’ve gagged and bound / They’ll come back and knock you down / and I’ll be free / I’ve taken all and I’ve endured / One day this all will fade I’m sure / I don’t owe you anything….

Or “Free Me”:

All of the words that we damn never speak / All of our ghosts and secrets do keep / Gather them all we’ll bury them deep / I could sing for sorrow / Free me right now

Or, one of my favorites because it’s aimed at a corrupt and abusive government, “The Pretender”. It’s wonderful because it works on the individual abuse level as well as being inspired by the national/international level, and it even has imagery (intentional or not) that’s associated with government ritual abuse (spinning/spin programming, for example)….

Keep you in the dark you know they all pretend / Keep you in the dark and so it all began / Send in your skeletons / Sing as their bones go marching in again / They need you buried deep / The secrets that you keep are ever ready / Are you ready? / I’m finished making sense / Done bleeding ignorance at your defense / Spinning and spinning deeper / The wheel is spinning me / It’s never-ending / Never-ending / Same old story! / What if I say I’m not like the others / What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays / You’re the pretender / What if I say I will never surrender?!… / I’m the voice inside your head / You refuse to hear / I’m the face that you have to face / Mirroring your stare / I’m what’s left / I’m what’s right / I’m the enemy / I’m the hand that took you down / Bring you to your knees….

It’s not just his lyrics that strike me; it’s the energy he brings to his concerts and his videos. Everything he does seems to surf in on this tidal wave of fierce energy, fierce refusal to be kept down anymore, fiercely blasting through all the barriers and hurdles in his way, carrying hundreds of thousands of fans with him, and grinning.

You could look at Cobain and Grohl as opposites, or as different points on the journey toward and through recovery. You could see them as past and future, or past and present, or each as someone’s present at any given time. Or perhaps they are just different responses to abuse, one with hope and one without. Cobain’s story reminds me of the experiences I see in other people with unmedicated bipolar disorders or unmedicated borderline personality disorder – the same occasional or continuous refusal of hope. They seek out, on some level, proof that life is shit and will always be shit, because at least then they can be right. At least then they can feel some validation of their painful experiences. Of course, this unfortunately forms a vicious cycle where seeking out this proof leads to more pain, which leads to the need for more validation, which leads to seeking out more proof, and then more pain, and then more need for validation, and… miserable lives, and suicidal ideation.

I identify more with Grohl’s story, which seems to me to be one of fiery hope, and determination, and turning rage outward against abuse instead of within against oneself. Maybe we need both stories. I think the two of them are the symbols of our time. They represent our options in facing abuse, as individuals and as a society. And they provide a voice for abuse survivors.

They represent, on one hand, the need to look at and share the fearful details of abuse, and on the other, the need to draw the line against abuse whenever we can. Together, they represent the stage we are in now, one where abuse is just beginning to be exposed and people are beginning to share what happened to them and what they did with it. It’s only been about thirty years that we’ve been talking about this stuff publicly, at least in the United States. Together, they symbolize speaking out about abuse in whatever way we can. And they show us how loudly and boldly we can do that, no matter where we are with our own experiences.