The Emotional Abuse Cheat Sheet
I really enjoyed breaking down some of the tools that people use in emotional abuse; trouble is, I kept coming up with more so they’re kind of scattered around this site! I am finally collating them into one handy document; I’ll update it as and when I think of others. You are invited to suggest your own in the comments!
These are abusive acts, and many of us do them once in a while, or do them without intending to harm anyone, or do them thinking that everyone involved is okay with it so it doesn’t harm anyone. I would say that doing them and taking responsibility for it and making amends and changing one’s behavior is, well, an effect of abuse and also just plain human. Doing them regularly (not necessarily in every conversation, but when triggered/angry/upset/scared, for example) and refusing to acknowledge it or change… that’s when people cross my mental line into “abuser.” There’s always time to cross back. Hopefully this list will help people recognize problematic behaviors of their own as well as problematic relationships they are or have been in with others.
* The Bait and Switch: Changing a decision or agreement that has been made with others without consulting them; see also unilateral decision-making.
* Boundary Rejecting: Refusing to accept or respect people’s boundaries – what they say is okay with them, what they say they can do, what they say works for them, et cetera; arguing with them extensively and/or insisting that their boundaries are unreasonable or meaningless.
* Changing the Rules/Changing the Story: Rewriting history in order to cover up a mistake or to get one’s way (e.g. “I/you never said that!”); making up a story about what the other person’s motivations are and projecting it onto them (see also projecting).
* Insults/Name-Calling: Enough said?
* Making Crazy Stakes/Raising the Stakes: It’s a ridiculous imaginary zero-sum power game. “If you’re not willing to do this small thing, then you get NOTHING. If you’re not willing to do everything that I say, down to this small level, then you lose EVERYTHING.” It’s taking it very quickly from the smallest detail to the biggest possible level to totally bewilder people and throw them off guard. If you can convince them, even briefly, to go with you into this insane world where that is at all a reasonable way to look at it, then of course they have to choose to do what you say.
* Passing the Buck: Consistently refusing to see or take responsibility for one’s part in a situation; insisting that everything is someone else’s fault. Also related to projecting, because it can involve dumping all one’s responsibility in a situation on the other person – projecting every mistake or fault onto them in order to avoid “getting in trouble” or having to admit imperfection.
* Projecting: Casting someone in an old role and dumping all the baggage from that relationship on them. Especially when refusing to allow them to be anyone else (like themselves). Like by pairing it with the filibuster!
* The Repeating Rant: Repeating one’s problem with someone, or one’s argument or point, over and over and over. Especially when paired with:
* Stonewalling: Shutting someone down completely when they try to talk. When paired with the Repeating Rant, you could call this The Filibuster. Making up names for things is fun!
* Time Debting: Not the rare unavoidable lateness, but consistently being late to hang out with friends, to work, to pick up kids, and/or other commitments. Or not showing up at all, without contacting them.
* Unilateral decision-making: Fine by yourself, a problem when it affects others who are supposed to have some say in what is going to happen – whether in a group of friends, a partnership, or a department at work.
* Yelling: Enough said!
Nice! You should cross-reference “filibuster.”
And, man, when I read about “unilateral decision-making,” I immediately thought of how that usually involves projection. Often when people are unilaterally making decisions, the justification is, I thought that was what you wanted, or, I only want what’s best for you, or, I thought it would be okay.
I am interested in how triggering this particular one is for me. The first thing that comes to mind was my mother’s constant unilateral decision-making, which led to such varied effects as my cat being put to sleep, my ears being pierced at the county fair, and, of course, my mother abandoning our family! I have a lot of fear around making decisions, full-stop, partly because I have a tendency to over-identify with my abusers (which, hey, nice article about BPD and Stockholm Syndrome!) and I believe that any decision-making or assertiveness on my part is, well, potentially dangerous.
I SHOULD cross-reference filibuster!
I identify with the belief that decision-making or assertiveness is dangerous. One of my favorite affirmations is “It is safe for me to be powerful.” It took me a long time to believe that! And it’s a classic example of how we overidentify with our abusers and blame ourselves for our abuse. And then we are like, “oh, it must have been my fault, I must be bad, I’d better keep a low profile and constantly shame myself out of saying or doing anything!”
[...] not the only example; my parents were both college professors, were perfectionists, and had crazy-making mottos like “It doesn’t matter what grades you get as long as you do your best and we know [...]